Today Is The Day (17)

So many times throughout these past two years I’ve sat down with my laptop as I am now, furiously typing out my thoughts with the intention of finishing a new post. There was the time I got laid off for the first time and began to document the experience of my self-proclaimed failure and the reflection period thereafter, but couldn’t quite get it all down.The time one of my close friend’s fathers passed away and I was so moved and saddened I couldn’t stop jotting down notes in the car on the way home from the service. Or the many nights I sat awake in bed, contemplating my circumstance and apprehension about the future. But ultimately, I’d neglect to finish what I started, either too lazy and distracted to stay motivated or worse—I'd re-read my old posts and think to myself” God you sound like an idiot, these are garbage! Just let this blog fade away.” But what I’ve come to truly realize in my time away from journaling about my life in sobriety and adulthood is that doubt is a pure waste of time and inaction is detrimental.

I am again at a crossroads in my life. I’m once again in a professional transition period, feeling defeated and completely unsure of myself and what I have to offer. I see so many of the people I grew up with making brave moves like going back to school or finally following their passions in a real way and doing things to ensure the happiness and health of both themselves and their newly growing families. I understand you should never compare your life and journey to anyone else’s, but I’ve often felt behind. I let my drinking take over an important part of my life—a time when most people my age were finishing college with a clear plan for their next steps or on the road to developing their craft. I’ve often felt lost, like I have no real direction or talent. Always playing catch up because of the mistakes I made during my young adulthood. No longer in my twenties, the next chapter of my life is in full swing, whether I am ready for it or not. And that is exactly why I decided today (my sixth year sobriety anniversary) was the day I would get back to writing- there is no such thing as being ready. There is only making choices. There is only deciding to get up each morning and take action. Being mindful of each moment and just going for it.

Now at thirty years old, I feel a fire I never have before. Even more so than the mini epiphany I wrote about in my last post. It’s time to stop waiting for my life to begin, to stop making excuses, stop letting jobs and employers dictate how I feel about my self-worth and stop hoping for opportunities to come my way. Like my favorite 90s Mariah Carey song preaches, it’s time to “make it happen.” And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can. And do you know why? Because I’m doing anything and everything I can to get involved in the things that make me truly happy. All of those inspirational quotes and sayings you come across time and time again like “Turn I HAVE TO into I GET TO,” and “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken,” and “Don’t let distraction prevent you from taking action” can be easier said than done. But after all this time, they are finally starting to click.

I still get frustrated all the time by things I read and hear on what I should be doing at my age.The things I should have already accomplished, where I should be financially and how every magazine and Instagram post tells me I need to “decrease my stress and workload and just travel the world.” (Gladly! Just wire me the money for my trip and all of my current bills, k thanks bye.) But I can’t let it affect me. I am where I am and that’s okay.

I've decided from this day forward I'm going to believe in myself more. I'm going to accept tough outcomes when I know I tried my best. I'm going to make more of an effort to be self-aware and motivated. And I'm going to live my life like a tree—yes, a tree. Here's what I mean:

***take what you like and leave the rest***

When It All Falls Down (16)

I’ve bitten my nails for as long as I can remember. Down to the quick, a subconscious impulse and bad habit that I’ve failed to shake as an adult. Why do I do it? It’s unsightly, destructive and unhealthy. I’ve come to realize it’s a culmination of things: control, compulsion, stress reliever, and distraction. I do it aimlessly in between thoughts, while pouring through racks of sweaters, curled up on the couch with a cup of tea in one hand, opposite index finger between my teeth. I do it when I’m bored, when I’m in the throws of an uncomfortable conversation, or waiting patiently in the doctor’s offce. Most all of all, I do it when I worry.

Worry; the unwanted and uninvited cousin of assurance. Lately, the worrisome bothers of life have piled up, reminding me that even doing the next right thing each day can’t prevent life’s curveballs. Bills piling up, the continued struggle to save and get ahead, personal conflicts and the everyday nuisances of broken toaster ovens, stuck doors, and worn out brakes that need replacing.

As a person in recovery, I often think to myself “how could the worst not be over? How could I possibly keep getting hit with things I thought my newly embraced lifesyle would prevent?” But the reality is that just because I am sober, things will not magically fall into place. I will continue to make mistakes and be imperfect. The world will keep spinning on an ever teetering axis. Things will go wrong or differently than I imagined.

When I’ve come to a cross roads, when I feel that urgency to create the next chapter in my life, I’ve come to appreciate the Robert Frost ideal of taking the road less traveled. A very good and successful friend of mine recently reminded me that hard work and determination open doors, generate opportunity and keep the mind focused. I spent so much time and money in my past feeding my addiction, why is it now that I am unwilling to impart the effort where it counts? The answer is fear and doubt. It’s complacency and the thought that things will carry on as they are and my dreams should stay just that. That’s when I pull my little secret out of my back pocket and remind myself of it’s power: the key to everything is the belief it can happen. Accompanied by mother’s always encouraging mantra “everything will work out.”

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written here, making excuses of exhaustion, of time better spent or not enough, of puppy walks and dinners that need to be made, household chores and selfish relaxation. I am my own obstacle and aid. I can create both the blockage and the clearance. And with the new year approaching, I have decided to chase new opportunities no matter the outcome, disappointing or successful.

Sometimes when it rains, it pours. Be brave enough to swim through the rush to wherever it leads.








**Take what you like and leave the rest**

Kingdom, my kingdom (15)



           While I sat on my porch looking up at the evening sky, the whimpering wind rustled softly through the trees and provoked them to tango with the beat of the universe, taunting everything below. As I admired their magnificence, I imagined other people across the globe also sitting on a starlit deck or in their favorite cozy nook, struggling with their everyday problems as I do. All of them contesting troubles that life has no intention of giving them the luxury to remedy.

Never have I encountered such a dichotomy as “relinquishing control.” It is both terrifying and liberating; maddening and calming; cerebral and spiritual.  Although I adhered to a yielding enterprise long ago, there is still a part of me that believes I can turn the tides if I just hang on long enough. It's not easy to accept the smallness of ourselves and the things or people we cannot change.

          But sometimes it really is a matter of overcoming your desire to steer the ship and giving into your higher self; the self that listens to its intuitions, protective instincts, and ability to adapt and evolve as nature intends. Human beings are incredibly resilient creatures: we fight, love, betray, support, commiserate, laugh, indulge, deprive, ignore, injure, heal, obsess, resist and endure.

I believe that resiliency and humility are the two greatest attributes a person can have.  To me, they are more valuable than intelligence, than confidence, than talent or good natured intent, because things happen all the time that do not afford or benefit from provision, intellect or pride. My favorite poem since the age of 10 is the “If” poem by Rudyard Kipling. For me, the most powerful sections of the poem are the middle two:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

     These lines along with the preceding and succeeding constitute the ending truism of what unlocks the door to happiness and ultimately enables a boy to become man.

            A friend of mine shared with me the story of her enlightening repartee  with a former co-worker. A Nigerian woman with four incredibly hard to pronounce monikers and a jovial, other worldly demeanor would dispense her motherly and spiritual knowledge whenever my friend was clearly going through rough times. “One day you will find peace,” she’d say in her thick accent. “Let me know when you reach your kingdom.”

          One thing that will surely prevent you from claiming your personal throne are ghosts. Ghosts take shape in many forms. They'll haunt you in the form of regrets; thoughts of old, destructive relationships and the wrong doings of others; in missed opportunities and the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. Singer Ella Henderson perfectly lyricises this dilemma in her song aptly titled "Ghost"

"I keep going to the river to pray

cause' I need something that can wash out the pain

and at most I'm sleeping all these demons away

but your ghost, the ghost of you 

it keeps me awake

Give up the ghost, stop the haunting baby"

VEVO "Ghost"

          When it came time in my recovery to put my resentments down on paper, I struggled. Not because I didn’t want to relive my past or give credit to someone for negatively affecting my life, but because I had a hard time discovering any. For as long as I can remember, I managed to convince myself that I was the one at fault, the one to blame for the reactions of others.  I absorbed every aspect of the indiscretion, the heartache, the wrong. I never stood up to my ghosts. I let them haunt me from the shadows like bumps in the night and then materialize in the form of a stiff drink.

People will continue to come and go in my life, but I have the choice as to whether I let them skulk in the obscurity and crevices of my mind or if I let them gracefully fade away. With that being said, you cannot control the actions of others and their attempts to hold onto what was, but you can be firm and clear in a compassionate yet definitive way.

I have always been drawn to psychological thrillers and art of the morose persuasion. One of my favorite short stories of all time is Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell Tale Heart.” Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” is a painting I have revered since a young age. Anything by Hitchcock and movies such as “Silence of the Lambs,” “Shutter Island,” “Girl, Interrupted,” and “Black Swan” top my list of go to treasures, while moody artists like Lana Del Rey and Nirvana evoke an inspiring anguish. But my real life does not have to be a tangled web of vexatious, unnerving and attenuating circumstances.  I do not have to live in fear of the unknown. When I rest my head at night, I do not have to succumb to sadness from wounds that should have healed.  And I can let go of my ghosts and wearisome burdens because I know they are a poison and a cancer waiting to ruin and triumph over my mind, body and spirit.

            So in this new year of obstacles and opportunities, let the past feed your recuperative spirit and then put it behind you and move on until you reach it: the Third Noble Truth of Nirvana; self-awareness; inner peace, or however you define it, 

your kingdom is waiting for you

***take what you like and leave the rest***

If I just...(14)

     If I just hide out until things blow over.   If I just get a new job.  If I just tell the people who love me what they want to hear, then they will leave me alone so I can use.  If I just sound sober enough I can ease the worry of others.   If I just wean myself off slowly, I'll beat it.  If I just white knuckle it on my own it will eventually go away.  If I just forget things from my past, it will be as if they never happened.  If I just get defensive when confronted, no one will try hard enough to break down my walls. If I just express I'm open to treatment but never go, it will still be taken seriously.  If I just exist then that’s enough.

If I just..

      This mental state in an addict or alcoholic’s struggle is dangerous and life threatening. It’s a vicious cycle of lies, insecurities and numb hopelessness. In the Big Book of AA, my favorite chapter is “There is a Solution.” Here is an excerpt which perfectly describes this dilemma:

The main problem of the alcoholic (and addict) centers in his mind rather than his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic’s drinking bout (or addict’s use) creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can’t feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, (or addict) he will laugh it off, or become irritable and refuse to talk. Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually he has no more idea why he took that first drink (or drug) that you have.

     This is the unfortunate and baffling madness that coils itself around the addict and alcoholic like a monstrous and life crushing snake, silencing their screams. They learn to accept defeat rather than fight.

     The loved ones of an addict or alcoholic at this stage can contribute to the damage without realizing the extent of their fault. It’s an incredibly hard concept to grasp that the person you knew and loved is no longer any trace of their former self. To watch someone flounder, to watch them drown, when all you know how to do is save them seems completely incomprehensible. But you are not a lifeguard, you are an enabler. I've been guilty of this too. The money you lend is nine out of ten times funding their substance abuse, not paying bills. The warm bed and food you provide creates a safe place where self-sufficiency will never be expected. When you bail them out of situations instead of letting them suffer the consequences of their actions, you become part of the problem. When someone is this deep into their addiction, these securities allow the storm to fester until the lighting strikes. With that being said, I am not a parent. I cannot imagine watching my child make potentially fatal choices and muster the strength to cut them out of my life. But the imperative notion you must understand is it only takes one time to overdose.

     Kicking someone when they are down is not the same as forcing them to pick themselves up. Every family dealing with someone using needs healing and guidance. Everyone needs to be on the same page and do their part to shed some light on the severity of the situation as a united front. Even so, the family can only do so much before it's time to turn to professionals. They are able to see the red flags that you cannot. Analyze the behavior for it is without any personal investment. Help give that push the addict and alcoholic needs to get treatment.

     By nature, I am a nurturer. I am someone who will do everything possible to ease the pain and suffering of those I love, but also have a tendency to do as I am told or be appeased instead of take control. But situations like these have hardened my skin and demanded persistence. They have called me to action. With someone contesting help that could save their life, I would rather step on their toes than walk on their grave.

     I have witnessed the deterioration of loved ones due to this disease so intensely that even as a writer, I have trouble articulating. I cannot describe the change in my soul from these devastations. And just last year, I attended the funerals of two beautiful, smart and caring young women who died as a result of addiction.

     In a previous blog post I stress the importance of loving from a distance. Letting your sick loved one know you are there for them should they seek support is still incredibly important, but should they not want to get sober, you cannot be afraid to say, “No more. I am walking away in every aspect unless you get treatment.” Just as the addict or alcoholic has been kidnapped by this awful disease, it has now taken you hostage as well. And time is not the addict or alcoholic's friend. Suspending the treatment process only gives the disease more time to inflict it's pain.

These suggestions may seem harsh, cruel even. But this is not a disease that makes things easy. This is a disease that triumphs over its victims more often than not. Yes, that person has to throw their hands up in defeat and be ready, but do everything in your power within reasonable limits to help them reach that place of urgent clarity. For me, knowing that I have tried my hardest helps me sleep at night.

I leave you with this thought:

When the demand is higher than the supply, what happens? A shortage develops and prices are raised. What you need becomes a commodity and something to work for. Raise the stakes on your loved one so they are forced to work for it. Forced to fight for their lives. Forced to find a better way.






***Take what you like and leave the rest***

     20/20 Vision (13)

 A short list of things I've learned in sobriety about the world of love and relationships :

You are not your past. Do not let it hold you back but be truthful. Truth is the best card you have to play.

You deserve to be happy just like anyone else on this planet.

You can date without using, it’s shockingly fun and rewarding. This is the real you now. Embrace it.

Sober intimacy with someone you trust is 100 times better than an intoxicated one night stand.

Love is not always enough.  It rarely is. Life and circumstance will burrow themselves between you and a loved one like a needy puppy at 2 am. Be prepared.

Let the people pleaser in you go. Things bother you, you can admit it, and you should. Don't fight an internal battle when a concern is valid. 

Be caring and giving, but make sure you also receive. Generosity (of any kind) is not a one way street.

Be careful when setting precedents in a relationship. Honest and open communication: Good. Volunteering to do everything: Bad.

Trust your gut and intuition. They are rarely wrong.

You are not a fool for being fooled. It means you chose to see the good in someone instead of the bad and that is an admirable quality.

Be patient. What’s the rush? 

Be tolerant. You’re not perfect either.

Over analyzation will be the death of you. Like the beginning of time and why socks always disappear in the dryer, some things are just a mystery.

People are independent beings with separate interests and thoughts. You should be balanced equals, not one entity. Do not take everything personally. Not every action taken by your significant other is related to you.

There are always two ways to approach a conflict or sensitive subject- with understanding or with disdain. Pick the former.  Be a teammate, not a rival.

Treat every breakup as an opportunity to learn- to learn from your mistakes and about yourself. Clear your side of the street and move on.

Emotional pain and confusion are healthy. Do not numb those feelings- they are the perfect recipe for resilience and wisdom.

Cry hysterically and get it all out- then laugh at how crazy you must have just looked. Humor and self awareness go a long way during rough patches.

The grass grew before them and it will continue to grow after them. Whatever you call it-fate, cosmic intervention, incompatibility, deal breakers, personal issues, lack of communication, or a change in feelings- Everything happens for a reason.

This Dr. Seus quote is perfect: “We're all a little weird and life's a little weird. And when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” 

You’ll be lucky to find your weirdo,

But find yourself and you’ve struck gold.

It’s the only way love thrives.

***Take what you like and leave the rest***

A quiet movement (12)

            I’m a busy girl. With work, my personal life or just the constant whirl of thoughts bouncing around in my head, there never seems to be enough time, enough space, or enough energy. But there are some things I just can’t neglect or skimp on.  Some things will not accept excuses or fatigue. They do not care that I’ve endured three meetings back to back without lunch, or that laundry piles are approaching the ceiling and the cupboards are missing peanut butter. Some things in my life must come first if I am to function at all, and those things are my sobriety and obligation to helping others in recovery. If those are not maintained, the rest unravels, thread by thread.

            But you do not have to be in recovery to lend a hand to those who are. The alcoholic/addict community is a large one with limited resources. As someone in recovery, I realize the importance of spreading the message and providing services to those in need. Something as simple as driving someone to a meeting who needs a lift can make all the difference in their day and contribute to their goal of being happy and healthy. Influential as that may be to one person however, small measures are not what significantly change the landscape. That only happens when people come together in an effort to exact real change.

Change what? you may ask. For starters, the stigma attached to addiction. Change in the belief that those afflicted are weak in character, out of control or inadequate and selfish human beings.  The black sheep of society.

            The shame of having this disease and the misunderstanding of it by others often prevents those in recovery from seeking the help they need and living an openly sober lifestyle for fear of being judged. I appreciate the need for anonymity and agree in areas of life it is warranted (the work place for example) but my hope is that one day, every addict and alcoholic can proudly proclaim their triumphs in any environment without reservation. Equally as revolutionary would be a complete shift in the mindset's of young people. A metamorphose where choosing healthy activity over drugs and alcohol becomes the norm.   My decision to share my lifestyle with others is a result of my conviction in its paramountcy to bring about these adjustments in cultural perception.

                 A change in the accessibility of effective and necessary treatment options is deficient as well. Lack of funds and roadblocks put up by insurance companies prohibits many from taking the next step of crucial rehabilitation.

            I’ve had the pleasure now of seeing former NBA player and recovering heroin addict/alcoholic Chris Herren share his story with the masses. He selflessly tours the country recounting his struggle and experiences with drugs and alcohol in the hopes of reaching people about the dangers of substance abuse. For him, reaching even just one person makes his sacrifice worth it. Whether it be another addict identifying with and benefiting from the lessons he’s learned; or a group of young people now thinking twice about using at a party; or an entire community feeling more educated about the subject, his mission is to further the solvency of this problem. His foundations The Herren Project and Project Purple strive to spread awareness and raise money for the cause.

 “For such a big problem, we’re a quiet movement” he stated at a speech in Milford, CT before a modest crowd.

 My question is why? Why are we so quiet about our plight? Why are we in recovery so reclusive and afraid to share the experiences and knowledge we have for positive impression? Getting sober is never easy. It’s an emotionally draining and guilt ridden 360 degree turnaround that takes time. In the recovery community, we help each other to reach a place of peace and stability, but can find it difficult to gain support outside the program. Not everyone is comfortable publicly speaking about their past, but a collective effort to gather the wealth of knowledge we've acquired could, in my opinion, make a difference.

                                    

          You don’t need to be a serviceman or woman to support Veterans. You do not have to go through the pain and suffering of cancer to run a breast cancer awareness 5K. And you do not have to understand the torment of addiction to accept and advocate for the well-being of those who suffer from the disease.  

Help start the movement. Change the outcome.

*For more information on how to get involved, please click on the links above*

***Take what you like and leave the rest***

Levels (11)


           "Hi, I'm new in the program and really liked what you shared tonight. I'm looking for a sponsor and can just tell you'd be great for me. Do you take sponsees?" asks a middle-aged woman at my home group meeting. It's the first time I've seen her at this meeting and I’m impressed she's already seeking a sponsor, a very promising sign. We chat for a bit and I discover she's only a week sober.

            "Thank you," she replies after my acceptance. "I know how important it is to get a sponsor early on, or so I've been told, and I can tell you've really got it together. I want to achieve that."

Flash back three years prior when nothing was together, rather in a thousand torn pieces strewn across the floor. A floor I was most likely passed out on. Not a single clue who I was or who I wanted to be. 

            Life seems to mimic a complicated equation. As a child, you stare at it, bewildered by its variables, shifting things around until they appear correct, but the proportions are still off. As a young adult, you come to recognize the value of it, but remain puzzled as to how to solve it. And as you continue along, you discover certain theories, incorporate rubrics, and strengthen your ability to reason so that cracking the code becomes a possibility rather than a maddening riddle. Even still, the greatest minds- the most brilliant, discerning and calculated thinkers- cannot provide a definite answer for a perfect existence. The reason? Every second of a person’s life is different from that of the person next to them. The key is in developing a tailored formula that works for you. An algorithm designed to get you through the day to day conversations, constant thoughts and choices you’re faced with.

For me, that formula is keeping in touch with a higher power, having a daily plan for recovery and striving to be the best possible version of myself, paying no mind to outside opinion.

 I’ve never been any good at math. In fact, I’m embarrassingly awful when it comes to the subject. The pressure of solving something my brain cannot comprehend panics me until I throw my hands up in frustration and defeat. My young adulthood felt like an honors calculus test with  Einstein as my professor, pacing the aisles and breathing  down my neck as I attempted to cheat. I didn’t know how to embrace the changes in life, the disappointments, the emotionally unnerving moments, the responsibilities and expectations-so I drank. I drank a lot.

When I got sober and went through the 12 steps of the AA program with my sponsor, things started to make sense for the first time. It’s not an easy task to look deep inside of yourself and painstakingly analyze the very things that both terrify and challenge you. I used to think to myself:  

“how did I become this person? How did I get so far from who I used to be?" 

But the truth is I never knew who I was. My sense of humor, general disposition and quirks have stayed true, but my perspective on life, values, and understanding of my purpose in connection to other people were non-existent. 

I truly believe that the 4^th step of AA’s 12 steps can help anyone. It forces you to take a moral inventory of your wrong doings, character defects (flaws) and fears. For the first time I saw what part I had played in every failed relationship, every fight, every fucked up occurrence where I played victim, dramatically crying out “but why me?” I made amends to those who would hear them. An amends actually benefits the person making the apology more so than the person wronged because it provides an opportunity to clear the trash from your side of the street and move on.

I have been able to reach a level of peace, understanding and confidence in myself as a human being I never thought possible.  I could not have gotten to this place without recognizing, digesting and purging the mistakes of my past. Like a bad stomachache caused by tempting and gluttonous foods, to feel balanced again the culprits must come to the service and leave your system.  The mistakes of my past are now my greatest resource today. Instead of just black and white, I see the world with a splash of pink; realism with a dash of hope.

In the popular novel and movie Eat Pray Love, Julia Robert’s character discovers some very hard truths about herself during her journey through food, meditation and love and in the end comes to realize something powerful:

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”

Most addicts and alcoholics will experience many different levels of successes and failures on their road to life-long sobriety. Months of sobriety may be followed by a bewildering slip up, leaving the addict more frustrated and confused than ever. In my experience, this is always due to trapped resentments, secrets and fears. THESE THINGS ARE A CANCER. Holding onto them will only hinder your chance for happiness.

Let them go, I promise you, it’s liberating and life-changing.

***Take what you like and leave the rest***