"Hi, I'm new in the program and really liked what you shared tonight. I'm looking for a sponsor and can just tell you'd be great for me. Do you take sponsees?" asks a middle-aged woman at my home group meeting. It's the first time I've seen her at this meeting and I’m impressed she's already seeking a sponsor, a very promising sign. We chat for a bit and I discover she's only a week sober.
"Thank you," she replies after my
acceptance. "I know how important it is to get a sponsor early on, or so
I've been told, and I can tell you've really got it together. I want to achieve
that."
Flash back three years prior when nothing was
together, rather in a thousand torn pieces strewn across the floor. A floor I
was most likely passed out on. Not a single clue who I was or who I wanted to
be.
Life seems to mimic a complicated equation. As a
child, you stare at it, bewildered by its variables, shifting things around
until they appear correct, but the proportions are still off. As a young adult,
you come to recognize the value of it, but remain puzzled as to how to solve
it. And as you continue along, you discover certain theories, incorporate
rubrics, and strengthen your ability to reason so that cracking the code
becomes a possibility rather than a maddening riddle. Even still, the greatest
minds- the most brilliant, discerning and calculated thinkers- cannot provide a
definite answer for a perfect existence. The reason? Every second of a person’s
life is different from that of the person next to them. The key is in
developing a tailored formula that works for you. An algorithm designed to get
you through the day to day conversations, constant thoughts and choices you’re
faced with.
For me, that formula is keeping in touch with a higher
power, having a daily plan for recovery and striving to be the best possible
version of myself, paying no mind to outside opinion.
I’ve never been any good at math. In fact, I’m
embarrassingly awful when it comes to the subject. The pressure of solving
something my brain cannot comprehend panics me until I throw my hands up in
frustration and defeat. My young adulthood felt like an honors calculus test
with Einstein as my professor, pacing
the aisles and breathing down my neck as
I attempted to cheat. I didn’t know how to embrace the changes in life, the
disappointments, the emotionally unnerving moments, the responsibilities and
expectations-so I drank. I drank a lot.
When I got sober and went through the 12 steps of the
AA program with my sponsor, things started to make sense for the first time.
It’s not an easy task to look deep inside of yourself and painstakingly analyze
the very things that both terrify and challenge you. I used to think to myself:
“how did I become this person? How did I get so far from
who I used to be?"
But the truth is I
never knew who I was. My sense of humor, general disposition and quirks have
stayed true, but my perspective on life, values, and understanding of my
purpose in connection to other people were non-existent.
I truly believe that the 4th step of AA’s
12 steps can help anyone. It forces you to take a moral inventory of your wrong
doings, character defects (flaws) and fears. For the first time I saw what part
I had played in every failed relationship, every fight, every fucked up
occurrence where I played victim, dramatically crying out “but why me?” I made amends to those who would
hear them. An amends actually benefits the person making the apology more so than
the person wronged because it provides an opportunity to clear the trash from
your side of the street and move on.
I have been able to reach a level of peace,
understanding and confidence in myself as a human being I never thought
possible. I could not have gotten to
this place without recognizing, digesting and purging the mistakes of my past.
Like a bad stomachache caused by tempting and gluttonous foods, to feel
balanced again the culprits must come to the service and leave your
system. The mistakes of my past are now
my greatest resource today. Instead of just black and white, I see the world
with a splash of pink; realism with a dash of hope.
In the popular novel and movie Eat Pray Love, Julia Robert’s character discovers some very hard truths about herself during her journey through food, meditation and love and in the end comes to realize something powerful:
“Happiness is the consequence of
personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes
even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate
relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved
a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must
make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to
stay afloat on top of it.”
Most addicts and alcoholics will experience many
different levels of successes and failures on their road to life-long sobriety.
Months of sobriety may be followed by a bewildering slip up, leaving the addict
more frustrated and confused than ever. In my experience, this is always due to
trapped resentments, secrets and fears. THESE THINGS ARE A CANCER. Holding onto
them will only hinder your chance for happiness.
Let them go, I promise you, it’s liberating and
life-changing.
***Take what you like and leave the rest***
***Take what you like and leave the rest***
