Get moving already(1)

I'm one of those people you can't rush. I didn't fill out my college applications until the deadline almost lapsed. You can call me ten times in a row, but if I'm sleeping, I will put my phone on silent and go to back to bed until I feel like getting up. And only after I've climbed out of bed, yawned, stretched and headed down to the kitchen to make some green tea will I call you back. I do not like to feel pressured or put on the spot. Spontaneity is not my thing. My biggest fear in life is being unprepared, so when I got arrested on May 22, 2011 for my second DUI offense and sent to jail for 36 hours, I was slightly uncomfortable to say the least.

 How long will I be here? Do I make friends or keep to myself? How long can I force myself to go without a shower? Do we even get soap or shampoo? When can I use the phone?

           Those thoughts only occurred to me after I'd had a free moment to process my situation alone in my cell. Before that point, my head was spinning out control, my emotions unmanageable. I promised myself after my first arrest a year and 8 months prior I would never end up back here, but that's the thing about alcoholism-it tricks you into making promises you know you can't keep, even ones to yourself.

My entire life has been a series of ballroom waltzes. Floating around atop a smooth landing, spending entirely too much time relying on fate to figure out my next move. I drank my way through my formative years, denying my brain the chance to process young adulthood through a clear and rational  lens. I lived in a dream land and drowned my sorrows and problems in whiskey. Naturally an insecure and unsure human being, alcohol gave me the boost I needed to come alive. Except I wasn't alive, I was like a trashy Stepford-robot wife. Putting on a show and exhibiting the same behaviors over and over with the same consequences.

Once I got sober after my arrest, I felt like an explorer who'd just discovered a new, untouched world. Everything looked differently from what I'd known and I wanted to see it all. I wanted to dive in head first. Baby steps and choreographed dances were a thing of the past. I emerged from the experience someone different. Something different. It was as though someone had taken my soaking wet brain, wrung it out like a towel, then hung it to dry in the fresh air of a warm breeze before putting it back. I felt clean again.

 I drank for eight years and have been sober for a little over two. My goal is to share my story and experiences as well as things that help me, inspire me, sadden me and educate me.

**Take what you like and leave the rest.**