Truth: 1) the real facts about something : the things that are true
2) sincerity
in action, character, and utterance
Lie: 1) to make an untrue statement with
intent to deceive
2) to create a false or misleading
impression
The truth will set you free. Omission is betrayal. To thine
own self be true. Lies
are like scars to the soul.
The adages are endless.
What is truth? Everyone has their own version of it. Their own concept of what is an acceptable explanation,
how much they are willing to disclose, or on the contrary, turn a blind eye
to. It’s an intangible, universal idea
either abused or worshiped by its keeper. It can be the difference between a
simple conversation or a defensive argument. A goal that evens the playing
field.
Truth is in the eyes, the voice, the breath and the stance.
For years, I convinced myself I had my drinking under control.
That my public antics and grab-life-by-the-horns attitude masked my shifty,
behind the scenes behavior. That when I
swore I’d never drink again and kept my word for two months straight, no one would
notice or give a second glance to the vodka soda in my hand at dinner, or question
my absence from responsibilities as being due to anything other than “a
headache.” That was my truth.
What is a lie? A protector of your wrong doings? A way to
exist in the world you’ve created without consequence? It’s a way to mask the
fear of being exposed, like a woman whose bathing suit top has come undone on a
crowded beach. It provides that rush of adrenaline derived from the idea that
you are somehow smarter than those around you. The thrill of getting away with
it feels almost electric. But it also makes you thin inside, the way a rubber
band feels after it’s lost its elasticity from being stretched too far.
A lie is in the eyes, the voice, the breath and the stance.
I’ve been a liar. I’ve been down that road. It cost me
potential relationships I spent years chasing and investing in with no return. I
hurt, worried and infuriated those closest to me. My entire being in itself
became a lie due to my drinking- a manifestation of the demons in my head who
used my charms and deceitful nature to emerge from the shadows. I felt constant
panic. Constant dissatisfaction. Endless regret and shame. But it still wasn’t enough
for me to look those I loved in the eye and tell the truth.
I’ve been lied to. Misled, made to think I was important to someone
whose main concern was their own well-being. Other times I let my guard down, only to re-build bigger walls than
ever. But you choose to believe what you want to believe. To ignore the signs
and red flags, the obvious indiscretions. Because at some point, you concede to
the fact that love outweighs it all.
Actively using addicts and alcoholics are masters of the lie
but novices of truth. You can love them and they you, but theirs is a different
love, initially. It’s manifested by a need, not a natural occurrence perpetuated by the
laws of attraction. Not by the gut feeling which mimics the drop in your
stomach on a roller coaster, signaling you’ve finally found “it.” Though it can be genuine, it's prompted by a sad and desperate attempt at something real. Something true. Something whole.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence. The addict and the
concerned. I am thankful for that. I
have the deepest understanding possible of what it means to have this disease
and what it means to care for someone fighting the same battle. I have learned
to let go when necessary, to be patience, to pick my battles and approach with
compassion should I have any chance of getting through and being heard. I have
matured in the delicate art of push and pull. Discovered when to use
information I’ve acquired, waiting until it will prove most effective.
Never using it as a weapon or collateral, only to shed light on the severity of
the
situation.
But most importantly, I’ve learned not to take it personally.
As hard as it is to see a lie as anything but blatant betrayal, someone
struggling with substance abuse sees it as a survival tactic and a comfort zone. A way to escape from the waves crashing down,
the walls from caving in. Corner them, and they will claw their way to safety.
Of course it stings, breaks your heart a little each time the charade flaunts
its victory. Each time your intuition
and suspicions prove correct but are never validated.
Love from a distance. It’s the best way to keep your sanity.
If need be, stop returning their calls, giving them money, end the relationship, change
your locks, go to Al Anon meetings, do what you have to do to keep yourself
afloat, but never stop loving them. And
when they are ready to help themselves, be there to lend support, no matter how
skeptical, resentful or tired you are, be there.
It takes some people more than one try until they get it
right. To decide they have finally had enough, the agony of a broken back
begging for rest from years of grave digging. You cannot change that person no
matter how much you love them and they you. It’s an internal conflict, a personal
strife and fight for freedom.
Loving someone with a problem is by no means an easy or fair
task. It keeps you up at night with suspicion, nauseated with worry, and
doubtful of a bright future. Uncertainty will be part of your days. It will take
work, understanding and tough decisions. There will be bad days and a test of
your will. But everyone in this world deserves a chance. And if you love
someone, they are always worth it.
We all have a weakness
Some of ours are easier
to identify
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness
We'll make a pact to
never speak
That word again, yes,
you are my friend
We all have something
that digs at us
At least we dig each
other
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches
and multiplies
No matter how we try
We all have someone that
digs at us
At least we dig each
other
**Take what you like and leave the rest**
