When It All Falls Down (16)
I’ve bitten my nails for as long as I can remember. Down to the quick, a subconscious impulse and bad habit that I’ve failed to shake as an adult. Why do I do it? It’s unsightly, destructive and unhealthy. I’ve come to realize it’s a culmination of things: control, compulsion, stress reliever, and distraction. I do it aimlessly in between thoughts, while pouring through racks of sweaters, curled up on the couch with a cup of tea in one hand, opposite index finger between my teeth. I do it when I’m bored, when I’m in the throws of an uncomfortable conversation, or waiting patiently in the doctor’s offce. Most all of all, I do it when I worry.
Worry; the unwanted and uninvited cousin of assurance. Lately, the worrisome bothers of life have piled up, reminding me that even doing the next right thing each day can’t prevent life’s curveballs. Bills piling up, the continued struggle to save and get ahead, personal conflicts and the everyday nuisances of broken toaster ovens, stuck doors, and worn out brakes that need replacing.
As a person in recovery, I often think to myself “how could the worst not be over? How could I possibly keep getting hit with things I thought my newly embraced lifesyle would prevent?” But the reality is that just because I am sober, things will not magically fall into place. I will continue to make mistakes and be imperfect. The world will keep spinning on an ever teetering axis. Things will go wrong or differently than I imagined.
When I’ve come to a cross roads, when I feel that urgency to create the next chapter in my life, I’ve come to appreciate the Robert Frost ideal of taking the road less traveled. A very good and successful friend of mine recently reminded me that hard work and determination open doors, generate opportunity and keep the mind focused. I spent so much time and money in my past feeding my addiction, why is it now that I am unwilling to impart the effort where it counts? The answer is fear and doubt. It’s complacency and the thought that things will carry on as they are and my dreams should stay just that. That’s when I pull my little secret out of my back pocket and remind myself of it’s power: the key to everything is the belief it can happen. Accompanied by mother’s always encouraging mantra “everything will work out.”
It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written here, making excuses of exhaustion, of time better spent or not enough, of puppy walks and dinners that need to be made, household chores and selfish relaxation. I am my own obstacle and aid. I can create both the blockage and the clearance. And with the new year approaching, I have decided to chase new opportunities no matter the outcome, disappointing or successful.
**Take what you like and leave the rest**
