Today Is The Day (17)

So many times throughout these past two years I’ve sat down with my laptop as I am now, furiously typing out my thoughts with the intention of finishing a new post. There was the time I got laid off for the first time and began to document the experience of my self-proclaimed failure and the reflection period thereafter, but couldn’t quite get it all down.The time one of my close friend’s fathers passed away and I was so moved and saddened I couldn’t stop jotting down notes in the car on the way home from the service. Or the many nights I sat awake in bed, contemplating my circumstance and apprehension about the future. But ultimately, I’d neglect to finish what I started, either too lazy and distracted to stay motivated or worse—I'd re-read my old posts and think to myself” God you sound like an idiot, these are garbage! Just let this blog fade away.” But what I’ve come to truly realize in my time away from journaling about my life in sobriety and adulthood is that doubt is a pure waste of time and inaction is detrimental.

I am again at a crossroads in my life. I’m once again in a professional transition period, feeling defeated and completely unsure of myself and what I have to offer. I see so many of the people I grew up with making brave moves like going back to school or finally following their passions in a real way and doing things to ensure the happiness and health of both themselves and their newly growing families. I understand you should never compare your life and journey to anyone else’s, but I’ve often felt behind. I let my drinking take over an important part of my life—a time when most people my age were finishing college with a clear plan for their next steps or on the road to developing their craft. I’ve often felt lost, like I have no real direction or talent. Always playing catch up because of the mistakes I made during my young adulthood. No longer in my twenties, the next chapter of my life is in full swing, whether I am ready for it or not. And that is exactly why I decided today (my sixth year sobriety anniversary) was the day I would get back to writing- there is no such thing as being ready. There is only making choices. There is only deciding to get up each morning and take action. Being mindful of each moment and just going for it.

Now at thirty years old, I feel a fire I never have before. Even more so than the mini epiphany I wrote about in my last post. It’s time to stop waiting for my life to begin, to stop making excuses, stop letting jobs and employers dictate how I feel about my self-worth and stop hoping for opportunities to come my way. Like my favorite 90s Mariah Carey song preaches, it’s time to “make it happen.” And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can. And do you know why? Because I’m doing anything and everything I can to get involved in the things that make me truly happy. All of those inspirational quotes and sayings you come across time and time again like “Turn I HAVE TO into I GET TO,” and “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken,” and “Don’t let distraction prevent you from taking action” can be easier said than done. But after all this time, they are finally starting to click.

I still get frustrated all the time by things I read and hear on what I should be doing at my age.The things I should have already accomplished, where I should be financially and how every magazine and Instagram post tells me I need to “decrease my stress and workload and just travel the world.” (Gladly! Just wire me the money for my trip and all of my current bills, k thanks bye.) But I can’t let it affect me. I am where I am and that’s okay.

I've decided from this day forward I'm going to believe in myself more. I'm going to accept tough outcomes when I know I tried my best. I'm going to make more of an effort to be self-aware and motivated. And I'm going to live my life like a tree—yes, a tree. Here's what I mean:

***take what you like and leave the rest***