If I just...(14)

     If I just hide out until things blow over.   If I just get a new job.  If I just tell the people who love me what they want to hear, then they will leave me alone so I can use.  If I just sound sober enough I can ease the worry of others.   If I just wean myself off slowly, I'll beat it.  If I just white knuckle it on my own it will eventually go away.  If I just forget things from my past, it will be as if they never happened.  If I just get defensive when confronted, no one will try hard enough to break down my walls. If I just express I'm open to treatment but never go, it will still be taken seriously.  If I just exist then that’s enough.

If I just..

      This mental state in an addict or alcoholic’s struggle is dangerous and life threatening. It’s a vicious cycle of lies, insecurities and numb hopelessness. In the Big Book of AA, my favorite chapter is “There is a Solution.” Here is an excerpt which perfectly describes this dilemma:

The main problem of the alcoholic (and addict) centers in his mind rather than his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic’s drinking bout (or addict’s use) creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can’t feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, (or addict) he will laugh it off, or become irritable and refuse to talk. Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually he has no more idea why he took that first drink (or drug) that you have.

     This is the unfortunate and baffling madness that coils itself around the addict and alcoholic like a monstrous and life crushing snake, silencing their screams. They learn to accept defeat rather than fight.

     The loved ones of an addict or alcoholic at this stage can contribute to the damage without realizing the extent of their fault. It’s an incredibly hard concept to grasp that the person you knew and loved is no longer any trace of their former self. To watch someone flounder, to watch them drown, when all you know how to do is save them seems completely incomprehensible. But you are not a lifeguard, you are an enabler. I've been guilty of this too. The money you lend is nine out of ten times funding their substance abuse, not paying bills. The warm bed and food you provide creates a safe place where self-sufficiency will never be expected. When you bail them out of situations instead of letting them suffer the consequences of their actions, you become part of the problem. When someone is this deep into their addiction, these securities allow the storm to fester until the lighting strikes. With that being said, I am not a parent. I cannot imagine watching my child make potentially fatal choices and muster the strength to cut them out of my life. But the imperative notion you must understand is it only takes one time to overdose.

     Kicking someone when they are down is not the same as forcing them to pick themselves up. Every family dealing with someone using needs healing and guidance. Everyone needs to be on the same page and do their part to shed some light on the severity of the situation as a united front. Even so, the family can only do so much before it's time to turn to professionals. They are able to see the red flags that you cannot. Analyze the behavior for it is without any personal investment. Help give that push the addict and alcoholic needs to get treatment.

     By nature, I am a nurturer. I am someone who will do everything possible to ease the pain and suffering of those I love, but also have a tendency to do as I am told or be appeased instead of take control. But situations like these have hardened my skin and demanded persistence. They have called me to action. With someone contesting help that could save their life, I would rather step on their toes than walk on their grave.

     I have witnessed the deterioration of loved ones due to this disease so intensely that even as a writer, I have trouble articulating. I cannot describe the change in my soul from these devastations. And just last year, I attended the funerals of two beautiful, smart and caring young women who died as a result of addiction.

     In a previous blog post I stress the importance of loving from a distance. Letting your sick loved one know you are there for them should they seek support is still incredibly important, but should they not want to get sober, you cannot be afraid to say, “No more. I am walking away in every aspect unless you get treatment.” Just as the addict or alcoholic has been kidnapped by this awful disease, it has now taken you hostage as well. And time is not the addict or alcoholic's friend. Suspending the treatment process only gives the disease more time to inflict it's pain.

These suggestions may seem harsh, cruel even. But this is not a disease that makes things easy. This is a disease that triumphs over its victims more often than not. Yes, that person has to throw their hands up in defeat and be ready, but do everything in your power within reasonable limits to help them reach that place of urgent clarity. For me, knowing that I have tried my hardest helps me sleep at night.

I leave you with this thought:

When the demand is higher than the supply, what happens? A shortage develops and prices are raised. What you need becomes a commodity and something to work for. Raise the stakes on your loved one so they are forced to work for it. Forced to fight for their lives. Forced to find a better way.






***Take what you like and leave the rest***

     20/20 Vision (13)

 A short list of things I've learned in sobriety about the world of love and relationships :

You are not your past. Do not let it hold you back but be truthful. Truth is the best card you have to play.

You deserve to be happy just like anyone else on this planet.

You can date without using, it’s shockingly fun and rewarding. This is the real you now. Embrace it.

Sober intimacy with someone you trust is 100 times better than an intoxicated one night stand.

Love is not always enough.  It rarely is. Life and circumstance will burrow themselves between you and a loved one like a needy puppy at 2 am. Be prepared.

Let the people pleaser in you go. Things bother you, you can admit it, and you should. Don't fight an internal battle when a concern is valid. 

Be caring and giving, but make sure you also receive. Generosity (of any kind) is not a one way street.

Be careful when setting precedents in a relationship. Honest and open communication: Good. Volunteering to do everything: Bad.

Trust your gut and intuition. They are rarely wrong.

You are not a fool for being fooled. It means you chose to see the good in someone instead of the bad and that is an admirable quality.

Be patient. What’s the rush? 

Be tolerant. You’re not perfect either.

Over analyzation will be the death of you. Like the beginning of time and why socks always disappear in the dryer, some things are just a mystery.

People are independent beings with separate interests and thoughts. You should be balanced equals, not one entity. Do not take everything personally. Not every action taken by your significant other is related to you.

There are always two ways to approach a conflict or sensitive subject- with understanding or with disdain. Pick the former.  Be a teammate, not a rival.

Treat every breakup as an opportunity to learn- to learn from your mistakes and about yourself. Clear your side of the street and move on.

Emotional pain and confusion are healthy. Do not numb those feelings- they are the perfect recipe for resilience and wisdom.

Cry hysterically and get it all out- then laugh at how crazy you must have just looked. Humor and self awareness go a long way during rough patches.

The grass grew before them and it will continue to grow after them. Whatever you call it-fate, cosmic intervention, incompatibility, deal breakers, personal issues, lack of communication, or a change in feelings- Everything happens for a reason.

This Dr. Seus quote is perfect: “We're all a little weird and life's a little weird. And when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” 

You’ll be lucky to find your weirdo,

But find yourself and you’ve struck gold.

It’s the only way love thrives.

***Take what you like and leave the rest***

A quiet movement (12)

            I’m a busy girl. With work, my personal life or just the constant whirl of thoughts bouncing around in my head, there never seems to be enough time, enough space, or enough energy. But there are some things I just can’t neglect or skimp on.  Some things will not accept excuses or fatigue. They do not care that I’ve endured three meetings back to back without lunch, or that laundry piles are approaching the ceiling and the cupboards are missing peanut butter. Some things in my life must come first if I am to function at all, and those things are my sobriety and obligation to helping others in recovery. If those are not maintained, the rest unravels, thread by thread.

            But you do not have to be in recovery to lend a hand to those who are. The alcoholic/addict community is a large one with limited resources. As someone in recovery, I realize the importance of spreading the message and providing services to those in need. Something as simple as driving someone to a meeting who needs a lift can make all the difference in their day and contribute to their goal of being happy and healthy. Influential as that may be to one person however, small measures are not what significantly change the landscape. That only happens when people come together in an effort to exact real change.

Change what? you may ask. For starters, the stigma attached to addiction. Change in the belief that those afflicted are weak in character, out of control or inadequate and selfish human beings.  The black sheep of society.

            The shame of having this disease and the misunderstanding of it by others often prevents those in recovery from seeking the help they need and living an openly sober lifestyle for fear of being judged. I appreciate the need for anonymity and agree in areas of life it is warranted (the work place for example) but my hope is that one day, every addict and alcoholic can proudly proclaim their triumphs in any environment without reservation. Equally as revolutionary would be a complete shift in the mindset's of young people. A metamorphose where choosing healthy activity over drugs and alcohol becomes the norm.   My decision to share my lifestyle with others is a result of my conviction in its paramountcy to bring about these adjustments in cultural perception.

                 A change in the accessibility of effective and necessary treatment options is deficient as well. Lack of funds and roadblocks put up by insurance companies prohibits many from taking the next step of crucial rehabilitation.

            I’ve had the pleasure now of seeing former NBA player and recovering heroin addict/alcoholic Chris Herren share his story with the masses. He selflessly tours the country recounting his struggle and experiences with drugs and alcohol in the hopes of reaching people about the dangers of substance abuse. For him, reaching even just one person makes his sacrifice worth it. Whether it be another addict identifying with and benefiting from the lessons he’s learned; or a group of young people now thinking twice about using at a party; or an entire community feeling more educated about the subject, his mission is to further the solvency of this problem. His foundations The Herren Project and Project Purple strive to spread awareness and raise money for the cause.

 “For such a big problem, we’re a quiet movement” he stated at a speech in Milford, CT before a modest crowd.

 My question is why? Why are we so quiet about our plight? Why are we in recovery so reclusive and afraid to share the experiences and knowledge we have for positive impression? Getting sober is never easy. It’s an emotionally draining and guilt ridden 360 degree turnaround that takes time. In the recovery community, we help each other to reach a place of peace and stability, but can find it difficult to gain support outside the program. Not everyone is comfortable publicly speaking about their past, but a collective effort to gather the wealth of knowledge we've acquired could, in my opinion, make a difference.

                                    

          You don’t need to be a serviceman or woman to support Veterans. You do not have to go through the pain and suffering of cancer to run a breast cancer awareness 5K. And you do not have to understand the torment of addiction to accept and advocate for the well-being of those who suffer from the disease.  

Help start the movement. Change the outcome.

*For more information on how to get involved, please click on the links above*

***Take what you like and leave the rest***

Levels (11)


           "Hi, I'm new in the program and really liked what you shared tonight. I'm looking for a sponsor and can just tell you'd be great for me. Do you take sponsees?" asks a middle-aged woman at my home group meeting. It's the first time I've seen her at this meeting and I’m impressed she's already seeking a sponsor, a very promising sign. We chat for a bit and I discover she's only a week sober.

            "Thank you," she replies after my acceptance. "I know how important it is to get a sponsor early on, or so I've been told, and I can tell you've really got it together. I want to achieve that."

Flash back three years prior when nothing was together, rather in a thousand torn pieces strewn across the floor. A floor I was most likely passed out on. Not a single clue who I was or who I wanted to be. 

            Life seems to mimic a complicated equation. As a child, you stare at it, bewildered by its variables, shifting things around until they appear correct, but the proportions are still off. As a young adult, you come to recognize the value of it, but remain puzzled as to how to solve it. And as you continue along, you discover certain theories, incorporate rubrics, and strengthen your ability to reason so that cracking the code becomes a possibility rather than a maddening riddle. Even still, the greatest minds- the most brilliant, discerning and calculated thinkers- cannot provide a definite answer for a perfect existence. The reason? Every second of a person’s life is different from that of the person next to them. The key is in developing a tailored formula that works for you. An algorithm designed to get you through the day to day conversations, constant thoughts and choices you’re faced with.

For me, that formula is keeping in touch with a higher power, having a daily plan for recovery and striving to be the best possible version of myself, paying no mind to outside opinion.

 I’ve never been any good at math. In fact, I’m embarrassingly awful when it comes to the subject. The pressure of solving something my brain cannot comprehend panics me until I throw my hands up in frustration and defeat. My young adulthood felt like an honors calculus test with  Einstein as my professor, pacing the aisles and breathing  down my neck as I attempted to cheat. I didn’t know how to embrace the changes in life, the disappointments, the emotionally unnerving moments, the responsibilities and expectations-so I drank. I drank a lot.

When I got sober and went through the 12 steps of the AA program with my sponsor, things started to make sense for the first time. It’s not an easy task to look deep inside of yourself and painstakingly analyze the very things that both terrify and challenge you. I used to think to myself:  

“how did I become this person? How did I get so far from who I used to be?" 

But the truth is I never knew who I was. My sense of humor, general disposition and quirks have stayed true, but my perspective on life, values, and understanding of my purpose in connection to other people were non-existent. 

I truly believe that the 4^th step of AA’s 12 steps can help anyone. It forces you to take a moral inventory of your wrong doings, character defects (flaws) and fears. For the first time I saw what part I had played in every failed relationship, every fight, every fucked up occurrence where I played victim, dramatically crying out “but why me?” I made amends to those who would hear them. An amends actually benefits the person making the apology more so than the person wronged because it provides an opportunity to clear the trash from your side of the street and move on.

I have been able to reach a level of peace, understanding and confidence in myself as a human being I never thought possible.  I could not have gotten to this place without recognizing, digesting and purging the mistakes of my past. Like a bad stomachache caused by tempting and gluttonous foods, to feel balanced again the culprits must come to the service and leave your system.  The mistakes of my past are now my greatest resource today. Instead of just black and white, I see the world with a splash of pink; realism with a dash of hope.

In the popular novel and movie Eat Pray Love, Julia Robert’s character discovers some very hard truths about herself during her journey through food, meditation and love and in the end comes to realize something powerful:

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”

Most addicts and alcoholics will experience many different levels of successes and failures on their road to life-long sobriety. Months of sobriety may be followed by a bewildering slip up, leaving the addict more frustrated and confused than ever. In my experience, this is always due to trapped resentments, secrets and fears. THESE THINGS ARE A CANCER. Holding onto them will only hinder your chance for happiness.

Let them go, I promise you, it’s liberating and life-changing.

***Take what you like and leave the rest***

The Devil's Always in the Details (10)


           Truth: 1) the real facts about something : the things that are true

                     2) sincerity in action, character, and utterance

               Lie:  1) to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive

                       2) to create a false or misleading impression

            The truth will set you free. Omission is betrayal. To thine own self be true. Lies are like scars to the soul.

            The adages are endless.

           What is truth? Everyone has their own version of it. Their own concept of what is an acceptable explanation, how much they are willing to disclose, or on the contrary, turn a blind eye to. It’s an intangible, universal idea either abused or worshiped by its keeper. It can be the difference between a simple conversation or a defensive argument. A goal that evens the playing field.

     Truth is in the eyes, the voice, the breath and the stance.

            For years, I convinced myself I had my drinking under control. That my public antics and grab-life-by-the-horns attitude masked my shifty, behind the scenes behavior. That when I swore I’d never drink again and kept my word for two months straight, no one would notice or give a second glance to the vodka soda in my hand at dinner, or question my absence from responsibilities as being due to anything other than “a headache.” That was my truth.

            What is a lie? A protector of your wrong doings? A way to exist in the world you’ve created without consequence? It’s a way to mask the fear of being exposed, like a woman whose bathing suit top has come undone on a crowded beach. It provides that rush of adrenaline derived from the idea that you are somehow smarter than those around you. The thrill of getting away with it feels almost electric. But it also makes you thin inside, the way a rubber band feels after it’s lost its elasticity from being stretched too far.

     A lie is in the eyes, the voice, the breath and the stance.

            I’ve been a liar. I’ve been down that road. It cost me potential relationships I spent years chasing and investing in with no return. I hurt, worried and infuriated those closest to me. My entire being in itself became a lie due to my drinking- a manifestation of the demons in my head who used my charms and deceitful nature to emerge from the shadows. I felt constant panic. Constant dissatisfaction. Endless regret and shame. But it still wasn’t enough for me to look those I loved in the eye and tell the truth.

            I’ve been lied to. Misled, made to think I was important to someone whose main concern was their own well-being. Other times I let my guard down, only to re-build bigger walls than ever. But you choose to believe what you want to believe. To ignore the signs and red flags, the obvious indiscretions. Because at some point, you concede to the fact that love outweighs it all.

            Actively using addicts and alcoholics are masters of the lie but novices of truth. You can love them and they you, but theirs is a different love, initially. It’s manifested by a need, not a natural occurrence perpetuated by the laws of attraction. Not by the gut feeling which mimics the drop in your stomach on a roller coaster, signaling you’ve finally found “it.” Though it can be genuine, it's prompted by a sad and desperate attempt at something real. Something true. Something whole.

                                               

              I’ve been on both sides of the fence. The addict and the concerned.  I am thankful for that. I have the deepest understanding possible of what it means to have this disease and what it means to care for someone fighting the same battle. I have learned to let go when necessary, to be patience, to pick my battles and approach with compassion should I have any chance of getting through and being heard. I have matured in the delicate art of push and pull. Discovered when to use information I’ve acquired, waiting until it will prove most effective. Never using it as a weapon or collateral, only to shed light on the severity of the

situation.

            But most importantly, I’ve learned not to take it personally. As hard as it is to see a lie as anything but blatant betrayal, someone struggling with substance abuse sees it as a survival tactic and a comfort zone.  A way to escape from the waves crashing down, the walls from caving in. Corner them, and they will claw their way to safety. Of course it stings, breaks your heart a little each time the charade flaunts its victory.  Each time your intuition and suspicions prove correct but are never validated.

            Love from a distance. It’s the best way to keep your sanity. 

           If need be, stop returning their calls, giving them money, end the relationship, change your locks, go to Al Anon meetings, do what you have to do to keep yourself afloat, but never stop loving them.  And when they are ready to help themselves, be there to lend support, no matter how skeptical, resentful or tired you are, be there.

                    

            It is possible to change. People can get better.  The only way to truly achieve this is to have a plan for recovery.  So many addicts and alcoholics get treatment and learn some great tools for recovery, but the real test is settling back into life and figuring out how to maintain that sobriety. No plan equals relapse. It’s that fragile.

            It takes some people more than one try until they get it right. To decide they have finally had enough, the agony of a broken back begging for rest from years of grave digging. You cannot change that person no matter how much you love them and they you. It’s an internal conflict, a personal strife and fight for freedom.

            Loving someone with a problem is by no means an easy or fair task. It keeps you up at night with suspicion, nauseated with worry, and doubtful of a bright future. Uncertainty will be part of your days. It will take work, understanding and tough decisions. There will be bad days and a test of your will. But everyone in this world deserves a chance. And if you love someone, they are always worth it.

We all have a weakness

Some of ours are easier to identify

Look me in the eye

And ask for forgiveness

We'll make a pact to never speak

 That word again, yes, you are my friend

We all have something that digs at us

At least we dig each other

We all have a sickness

That cleverly attaches and multiplies

No matter how we try

We all have someone that digs at us

At least we dig each other

**Take what you like and leave the rest**

Never too young (9)

         



             " I know it seems like a life time ago, but I was sitting exactly where you are right now 9 years ago. I took the same classes, had some of the same teachers and even drank and partied in the same parking lots and hidden places. Trust me, I know them all," I joke to the group of high school seniors sitting before me. They chuckle at my surprising admission.

            “That’s actually why I’m here today, to talk to you about drugs and alcohol. I'm not a counselor, teacher or member of law enforcement," I continue. "I myself am a recovering alcoholic. I'm not here to scare you straight or to even tell you not to drink. I'm simply here today to share my personal experiences with alcoholism and addiction in the hopes that you learn something."

 I can immediately tell they were not expecting me to be a substance abuse guest speaker, perhaps a college advisor or recruiter. Nonetheless, I notice a shift in body language to more comfortable positions now knowing I'm not the big bad wolf here to blow down their keg party.

I have on a form fitting, quarter sleeved, grey tweed dress and black stilettos. My blonde hair blown out straight, cherry red painted on my lips.

              "You don't look like an alcoholic," blurts out a boy in the front row. Ah, my strategic ensemble worked.

            "That's the thing about addiction, it doesn’t have a stereotypical face, it can look like anyone. This disease doesn't discriminate. Does not consider your age, race or background. It will get you if you let it."

And it's off to the races.

            I spend the entire class period chronicling my departure from innocence to corruption. From insecurity and confusion to escape and indifference. From being an honor student and Varsity athlete to a below average college scrub with a 20 lb weight gain and empty wallet. And of course, my legal woes.

I don't hold back when discussing the unhealthy view I developed in regards to sex and relationships because of my drinking and the choices I made.

            "If you take an introductory law class at any point in your life, you'll learn what a fallacy is, and a fallacy is trying to prove something to be true using false logic. I would live a wild and seemingly care free life style and then expect to be taken seriously by someone I had feelings for, simply because I said I could change. That's not the way it works. You can't expect to act a certain way and not be judged by that behavior. You have to earn people's trust and respect. And my abusive drinking turned me into an unstable, untrustworthy person."

The truth is I didn't wake up one day and think to myself, ‘I want to drink excessive amounts, put my health at risk, become someone devoid of character and warmth;’ it was a gradual process that began at an early age. The age of many students sitting before me.

            To my delight, they listened intently and even nodded their heads in empathy during some parts of my story. The minds’ of teenagers are many things, but impervious is not one of them (as much as they would have you believe).  But to get through, you must strip down and bare your soul. Speak to them directly, honestly, logically and on their level of understanding and you will break skin. Their invincible exteriors will bleed, if only slightly. It’s an incredible thing to see the wheels turning in someone’s head; their strings being plucked and nerves pinched.  To witness the uncomfortable realization that some of what you are saying may be valid and even worth remembering. 

(That’s my favorite part).

            “What made you want to speak to us and share your story?” asks an attentive young man at the end of my talk.

           “I just felt like I could have benefited from hearing a speaker closer to my age with a relatable story when I was in high school. Most of the time you guys are only exposed to the most extreme cases of addiction through shows like intervention, or shown gruesome pictures of car accidents. Most people have similar experiences to mine.”

            When I was seventeen, no one told me addiction was a disease that ran in families like cancer or heart disease.  No one told me I had a right to know my family history because it could directly affect me. Until AA, the idea that I could be allergic to alcohol did not exist. And I certainly never realized some of my peers could be struggling with mental illness or behavioral disorders and using substances to cope. Would I have become an alcoholic even with this information? Most likely due to my choices, but knowledge is power and I could have used a little of that when I was struggling and making poor decisions.

            I had the privilege last year of seeing a substance abuse awareness speaker whose story I've followed over the years and respect tremendously: Chris Herren. A former NBA player and heroin addict, Chris Herren delivers a powerful message to anyone fortunate enough to hear him. At the end of his talk, he bravely relives the pain he felt when using and how much of it sprung from his insecurities. "I want you to ask yourselves, 'What is it about me that I don't like? And why?' And figure out how to cope because you all are worth being happy and healthy.'" His foundation Project Purple http://goprojectpurple.com/ is an amazing resource and brings much needed awareness to the cause.

           

             It’s time to stop sweeping addiction under the rug. It’s always been time to give this problem its due spotlight. To educate our young people about more than facts and figures in school presentations. Never once at a college party did I stop and think to myself, “ One 12 ounce glass of beer has the same amount of alcohol as 1.5 ounces of liquor in a shot, so I’d better keep track and drink accordingly.” Not to say this health class information isn’t important, but it’s not the nitty gritty- not the blood on the front lines. It’s the candy coated, safe-behind-the-glass version.

            I’m extremely lucky that two high schools have welcomed me with open arms and given me a place to share my story these past two years. At the end of each presentation, I provide a hand out with helpful websites and my personal email should a student want to chat in private. I’ve gotten a few very touching and rewarding responses since starting this journey. I’ve had students confide in me they are in recovery themselves and even inquire about local AA meetings. I’ve had other students disclose they have an alcoholic parent and are happy someone is talking about addiction in a real way. Others have simply admitted they learned something new.

            However, despite my best efforts, the world will continue to spin today’s youth around like the giant dizzying tea cup rides of yesteryear. They will drink, they will smoke, they will sniff.  Curiosity will eventually kill the cat and they will succumb to the age old tradition of “getting wasted.”  I don’t share my story in the delusional hope that my words alone will curb their desires. The reason I speak is to let them know that should they choose not to partake, THAT’S OKAY. Or should they realize they may have a problem, they are not alone and there is help available everywhere. And most importantly that neither scenario makes them any different, better or worse than the next person.

            Your brain, emotional maturity, life experiences and understanding of who you are as a person at 17 and 18 years old is light years away from what they will become in your twenties. You can’t jump ahead in growth, there is no way around that. However, the silver lining is that you have the capacity to mold these ever changing variables into something you can be proud of. Fill the little pockets of your mind with the lessons you learn from the mistakes of other people, and use those golden bricks to build the strongest foundation possible. Nothing is ever truly in our control-learning that early on will save you a world of frustration and anxiety-but what you can control is how you use the information you are given. Don’t take that gift for granted.

Listen. Absorb. Decide.

**Take what you like and leave the rest**