If I just...(14)

     If I just hide out until things blow over.   If I just get a new job.  If I just tell the people who love me what they want to hear, then they will leave me alone so I can use.  If I just sound sober enough I can ease the worry of others.   If I just wean myself off slowly, I'll beat it.  If I just white knuckle it on my own it will eventually go away.  If I just forget things from my past, it will be as if they never happened.  If I just get defensive when confronted, no one will try hard enough to break down my walls. If I just express I'm open to treatment but never go, it will still be taken seriously.  If I just exist then that’s enough.

If I just..

      This mental state in an addict or alcoholic’s struggle is dangerous and life threatening. It’s a vicious cycle of lies, insecurities and numb hopelessness. In the Big Book of AA, my favorite chapter is “There is a Solution.” Here is an excerpt which perfectly describes this dilemma:

The main problem of the alcoholic (and addict) centers in his mind rather than his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic’s drinking bout (or addict’s use) creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can’t feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, (or addict) he will laugh it off, or become irritable and refuse to talk. Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually he has no more idea why he took that first drink (or drug) that you have.

     This is the unfortunate and baffling madness that coils itself around the addict and alcoholic like a monstrous and life crushing snake, silencing their screams. They learn to accept defeat rather than fight.

     The loved ones of an addict or alcoholic at this stage can contribute to the damage without realizing the extent of their fault. It’s an incredibly hard concept to grasp that the person you knew and loved is no longer any trace of their former self. To watch someone flounder, to watch them drown, when all you know how to do is save them seems completely incomprehensible. But you are not a lifeguard, you are an enabler. I've been guilty of this too. The money you lend is nine out of ten times funding their substance abuse, not paying bills. The warm bed and food you provide creates a safe place where self-sufficiency will never be expected. When you bail them out of situations instead of letting them suffer the consequences of their actions, you become part of the problem. When someone is this deep into their addiction, these securities allow the storm to fester until the lighting strikes. With that being said, I am not a parent. I cannot imagine watching my child make potentially fatal choices and muster the strength to cut them out of my life. But the imperative notion you must understand is it only takes one time to overdose.

     Kicking someone when they are down is not the same as forcing them to pick themselves up. Every family dealing with someone using needs healing and guidance. Everyone needs to be on the same page and do their part to shed some light on the severity of the situation as a united front. Even so, the family can only do so much before it's time to turn to professionals. They are able to see the red flags that you cannot. Analyze the behavior for it is without any personal investment. Help give that push the addict and alcoholic needs to get treatment.

     By nature, I am a nurturer. I am someone who will do everything possible to ease the pain and suffering of those I love, but also have a tendency to do as I am told or be appeased instead of take control. But situations like these have hardened my skin and demanded persistence. They have called me to action. With someone contesting help that could save their life, I would rather step on their toes than walk on their grave.

     I have witnessed the deterioration of loved ones due to this disease so intensely that even as a writer, I have trouble articulating. I cannot describe the change in my soul from these devastations. And just last year, I attended the funerals of two beautiful, smart and caring young women who died as a result of addiction.

     In a previous blog post I stress the importance of loving from a distance. Letting your sick loved one know you are there for them should they seek support is still incredibly important, but should they not want to get sober, you cannot be afraid to say, “No more. I am walking away in every aspect unless you get treatment.” Just as the addict or alcoholic has been kidnapped by this awful disease, it has now taken you hostage as well. And time is not the addict or alcoholic's friend. Suspending the treatment process only gives the disease more time to inflict it's pain.

These suggestions may seem harsh, cruel even. But this is not a disease that makes things easy. This is a disease that triumphs over its victims more often than not. Yes, that person has to throw their hands up in defeat and be ready, but do everything in your power within reasonable limits to help them reach that place of urgent clarity. For me, knowing that I have tried my hardest helps me sleep at night.

I leave you with this thought:

When the demand is higher than the supply, what happens? A shortage develops and prices are raised. What you need becomes a commodity and something to work for. Raise the stakes on your loved one so they are forced to work for it. Forced to fight for their lives. Forced to find a better way.






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